intriguing, smart, driven, kind, caring, good looking. so many good qualities. a virgo on the cusp of libra. not quite the one for me. but close. wish i could get to know him... but ? don't know how that will turn out. hopefully in times to come... i can just be myself ... and we will develop a nice friendship.

afternoon run from my house to the old gym Blatt. couldn't run all the way but ran until i was tired and then walked until i wasn't. and it feels really good to have exercised and worked out the stresses of my body. i intend to implement a daily running program for the rest of the year. i thought as my legs burned... that's the burning that someone could have for me, that doesn't. a burning that i have to keep adding to. (and i ran harder thinking I didn't have the energy now to fulfill someone so I need to build up stamina) got to cut out the cigs more and more so there is less and less of a burning in my lungs and I can run further. i would like to run to the blossom street bridge from my house which seems like it is at least 2 miles one way. so that is a far off, but I will work towards it daily. 

"staying focused" my mom asked me if i was focused or staying focused last night over the phone. i had to say honestly no. I am just running around and I think that is the origin of my love problems. i'm not focused on what i want and have settled and am working on breaking that pattern. "someone to live the rest of my life with."  Also i have let stress creep into my work, which is unnecessary. Just do it. just know when you have to do it.

today also wrote holly a note saying i wasn't going to be able to get over her overnight. even though she found someone else, i still had feelings for her and it would be hard to just be her friend. i hate needing people that don't need me. but as i was running i thought more and more about it... i'm running to better myself so that i can be good enough for someone else. and really that is a fallacy. i am already good enough. i am good enough for me. granted i would like to work on many things personally and for my own benefit. i get caught up in pleasing others and wanting there love that i forget i am here and i can love myself. i forget that i'm as good as the next soul? i forget that i am valuable, even if people reject me. it's like you want that acceptance so bad-- you'll sacrifice your own self acceptance for someone else. which is in turn a catch 22. loose your own self acceptance and someone else accepting you is fatuous.

but then end goal can't be to get the girl; even though that would make some evil part of me feel better. if it is not the right thing, for both of us... I would rather not go through with the hassle. I have been in too many dead end relationships, and I still am not even out of all of my relationships completely. james is still holding on and well i am still letting him hold on barely. i broke up with him, but he hasn't shut the "cage" door on me, yet. in other words he says i can get back in. but i feel that is not really what i want. and i fear getting close to him again out of a sadness for him, rather than a personal desire to be with him. although i am attracted to him and he is sweet and kind and loving and friendly and he is good in the sack.... despite all these things i still don't think i am in love w/ him and he is the right one for me. he drives me crazy sometimes and seems to talk about nothing a lot. maybe that is just my projection-- but ? that is how i feel.

for now i am resolved to stay focused on getting work done on a daily basis, running on a daily basis, eating healthy foods, spending little, laughing, writing, thinking, growing this summer. I would like to write a book-- cat's expose. the expose of cat's brain. but i need the brilliant setting and story. i will work on it daily also.

hi: faith. source. creativity, kindness, ever-expansion, absolute abundance, receptivity, love, beauty. 

belief, positive: the opposite of doubt. 

source: the god giving rise to your intention

creativity: eye toward what you want connecting vision to actuality in any multitude of ways

kindness: non-judgment? a judgment to have humility; to not condemn but to accept a likeness to 

ever-expansion: being there as life unfolds; growing progressing as a person

absolute abundance: realize you don't need anything else to be where you want to be; you already are there. or the world is full of potentialities/ absolute abundance... 

receptivity: open, not closed determined set on what is, be allowing of what else is

beauty: that which makes us feel free & good